


Hypnogogia

by will (pointedperception)



Category: Hannibal (TV)
Genre: Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Meta, POV Will Graham, it's their canon relationship, so take it as platonic or non-platonic, whatever you like
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-11
Updated: 2015-06-11
Packaged: 2018-04-03 22:15:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4116751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pointedperception/pseuds/will
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A sort-of-meta about how Will views his relationship with Hannibal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hypnogogia

In the moments before we fall asleep, when we quiver on the edge of consciousness, our minds are open yet distorted in their judgment. We are content to lose control, leaving our cognizance vulnerable to the dangerous passions we work so hard to stave away when we're awake. Consciousness is our armor against ourselves. What are we so afraid of in our nature that we feel we need to protect ourselves? A resentment of our animal instincts that we think ourselves above as humans? A passion that goes so far beyond what we ever thought we could feel?

Certainly there are advantages to burying our unconscious; we would be overwhelmed in our daily lives if we had to consciously tell ourselves to breathe, to digest food, to process even the simplest information and language. It wouldn't be sustainable.  We like to think we know ourselves in our waking life, but in the hazy moments before we slip into unconsciousness, we have the most clarity into our true selves.

 

Falling in love is a similar process. We let our conscious minds go in favor of our instinct and passion, realizing truths about ourselves we hadn't consciously accepted before. When we fall in love, we allow another person to peel back our armor instead of ourselves, leaving us vulnerable not only to our passions but theirs as well. Two unconscious minds melding together creates treacherous territory for both involved. One unconsciousness can influence the other's consciousness in unpredictable ways; it becomes impossible to tell whether it is your instinct or the other's that are directing you. You can lose your sense of self in someone else just as they lose themselves in you. Identity traded for intimacy.  
  
There's a bliss in ignorance that can't be regained once you become aware. Awareness and knowledge comes with that cost. It's much harder to be aware than it is to achieve awareness. Many people would rather stay ignorant and blissful even if they miss out on that level of intimacy. Physical intimacy is much easier to obtain and understand; emotional intimacy can be harder to reach but both come with less risks. Two unconscious minds acting separately on instinct can seem the same as two minds sharing an unconscious, but once you've experienced the latter it becomes painfully obvious when you're lacking that brand of intimacy with someone. 

That mental connection, that moment when someone else can see you for who you truly are, even if you can't see it clearly yourself, is the core of our human experience. Those connections never break; they may stretch, they may bend, but they're permanent bridges between our minds. We couldn't get rid of them if we tried. Awareness won't allow for it. We can't be fully aware of another human being unless we love them. It allows us to see the potential in each other, giving us the opportunity to guide that potential to fruition when we express our love. We can become our best selves through another, as they can become their best selves through us, both achieving an amplified understanding of themselves by seeing through the eyes of another.

 

For someone who has always been able to see through someone else's eyes, it's an unbelievable feeling to finally have someone able to look back through mine. It's more than having someone become a part of you; together, you become something entirely new. It's not a loss of identity, it's the gained awareness of an identity that was inside of you all along that someone else helped you to find. I’ve never known myself as well as I know myself when I’m with him. Maybe it’s because he knows me so well, as I know him. We can both see each other in ways we had always longed for someone to see us, a dream we had given up on. A dream we watched blossom into reality, able to explore all of its arousing nuances together. We guide each other through our understanding of each other's passions, creating a symbiotic relationship on every level imaginable. We are true equals.

My understanding of Hannibal may distort my judgment but it doesn't mean I condone his actions. It just makes it impossible not to love him. Recognition of that love makes forgiveness come easily. I don't expect anyone else to understand unless they've experienced the same kind of connection with someone that we share; we've tried to destroy it in every way possible, yet it becomes stronger with each attempt to cut it down. We have the capacity to show each other pleasure and pain in equal intensities that are far beyond the intensity we could achieve with anyone else, because we are affecting ourselves at the same time we affect each other. We'll never again know what it's like to be alone. We're both alone without each other.


End file.
